The internal struggle of concious parenting.

Parenting is difficult no matter what. Anyone out there find it easy? Now add to that a lifestyle a bit off from the norm and a lack of community.
Where does that leave you? Banging your head against the wall? Sobbing over your chamomile tea? Binge eating kale chips?

Today was an incredibly hard day. I am extremely sensitive. On top of my own emotions I am really good at picking up others and carrying them around for awhile. Now that is something I can take off my plate! It is not always easy to get back to center when I am in this space. I guess I would rather just avoid it and am being counter productive by just wishing it away.
And there is the answer! Instead of running away, I think it is time to delve in, live in it a bit and clear it out.
So let's get it all on the table. I am exhausted from trying to make things work.
Second clue - I am trying to make things work instead of allowing them to happen.
I am afraid that we cannot make ends meet and I am frustrated by instability.
Well. I am well aware that when I am relaxed and trust that things will work out I am FINE.
Yes - self - believe it. It is true! Self - the more you live in that trust - the more stability you have!
And you say - exhausted? Go to bed.
Processing out loud really works!

Mama Conflicted

Deep in play.

Today was one of those interesting days that you don't quite see coming and leave you totally confused. Just when I had come accustomed to being a homeschooling Mom, just when I am amazed at how our rhythm is forming and our children settling in - I get a call to go back to work. But on my terms. Remotely. Left me totally confused. On the one side it would definitely interrupt our day and make homeschooling difficult but it might bring balance to our family overall and a boost in finances. Plus I wouldn't be starting over, I would working with my existing client base. Could I do this calmy and without stress? Can I gain control of my schedule? Tune in tomorrow...

Oolala!

This Mam was about to loose it seriously. I have been nonstop with the little guys, add in a trip to a road trip to NY - me and them for a month, and normal (ok an extraordinary amount of stress) and I was destroyed. Heart flutters. A lot of saying, "yes, I am fine - oh just ignore my eye twitching uncontrollably!"
I was coming undone. But I decided to take charge and went to the Korean Spa. If you don't know about them, I will sum it up in 3 ( ok 7) words - Cheap, Awesome, You Can Take A Nap.
Every Mom's Fantasy.
There is a lot of guilt that came with the decision to go, however sometimes we need to take care of ourselves. That means you Mama!
You lucky NYC'ers have the ultra amazing Spa Castle.  But Jeju is just as good.
Run. Don't walk. Remember - we can nurture, if we don't nurture ourselves!

Trying to be everything to everyone.

Wow. Today I was ready for the day to come to a close and my children to go to sleep.
My older son is fighting sleep - so I actually gave up trying to get him to sleep and left him to his own devices (the next room.) Since he was an infant he has had sleep issues and if we don't parent him to sleep the more likely he is to wake up. But our little one is teething and I need some me time!

We just started homeschooling after our month long trip - 2 weeks in NYC, and two weeks in transit.

It was mainly just me and the kids! What a learning experience. I have been home with them for a year now - making work a much lower priority, and there we were back in the city, needing to put work first.
It felt completely out of sync. I enjoy a healthy work life, but where will my path take me next?

Since we are homeschooling there isn't a whole lot of time for anything else.

Waldorf kindergarten is focused on rhythm, and it is my utmost goal to get it together. It is definitely a big challenge for us. We do have a rhythm - but schedule is a whole other can of worms. Not to mention my husband's work schedule is complicated! And that throws a wrench in.

Looking forward to looking back two months from now!

Babies.

I just returned from an adventure with my two boys (more on that later.) But today my heart is thinking babies. A gentle heartstring tug. I feel pretty complete - but as I looked at Facebook, I saw a friend's page. And I thought of the intense pain ( I had a homebirth) and the intense beauty. For me the fear and memory is only just beginning to fade, but isn't it amazing how it does. And you hold on to just the beauty. It is truly a miracle. It is also ridiculous that there are places that are illegal to have a homebirth. Like Georgia. Really?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFLzxdZG30Q&feature=share

I won! I won!

Lucky me! I actually won a ticket to the Holistic Moms Natural Living Conference. Now I just need to get there! I have until Saturday October 1st to make it to Irvine or maybe this ticket will be gifted along.
I am thrilled!

Washed Away...

Today I send my thoughts to friends - known and unknown, living in Vermont and elsewhere who as of now have lost everything. I hold space for you to rebuild. I send love and strength and I send support as you travel through this mourning process.